Sometimes I think if I could run away I would.
And it wouldn't hurt anyone, not even me.

“there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.

people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.

it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone

untouched
unspoken to

watering a plant.” 
 
-Bukowski, Love Is A Dog From Hell

It's nights like these when I am finally able to tell myself, "Yeah, Kayla, go to sleep. You're definitely tired enough to sleep and you have to work at 6AM." And yet, when I go to lay down, one nostril decides to completely stuff up, to the point I can't breathe out of it at all. And blowing my nose doesn't work, and no matter how I lay down, nothing changes. And now it's almost 2:30AM and I have to be awake in 3 hours.

What. The. Fuck.

I am thinking about all the things I shoved in the corner.
It's late, or early (depending on how you look at it), and I am full of regrets. Or maybe not regrets, maybe it's merely thoughts and feelings I tried to leave behind.

I am thinking about people and wondering how often they think about me. Do they ever think about me? I have allowed to many people to move in and out of my life. And if not "allowed" then I suppose I could say I pushed them out.

"Please, you are the closest I've come to loving someone."

I am unsure of why this has come into my mind, why I am saddened by it. I guess because now it's untrue, and it was probably never true to begin with. Maybe it could have been, if I'd listened, if I'd tried.
 Scared and stubborn, I miss.

I don't know if I would change it though. Even though it makes me sad to think about and look back on. Sometimes people think that when we say we regret things, we mean we wish we could change them. And I don't think I do. There are so many "what-ifs" in life, and that isn't anything new, all of us know that. But, even with all of the questions and the doubts, I don't know that I would change because I don't know that it would make a difference. I feel lost now. I don't think there is a single path in life I could have chosen that would lead me anywhere different, as though I would never have felt lost. It is inescapable.

Not to say there aren't happy times, good times. Loving someone is the hardest thing to learn.
I read a book today where someone died. And the person telling the story loved them. They loved someone and that someone died. And the way he reacted, the initial reaction of hearing it and the long stretches of days passing...I knew the author had never lost or possibly never loved. It makes me wonder if I love too much, too hard. Because everything I was reading felt wrong, all wrong.

"How will I ever get out of this labyrinth!" To me, it was as though you were never in it. The thought alone throws me in, right into the center of it, the overwhelming feeling of loss and never knowing or understanding.

Ramblings of night-time and feelings from years ago. Time only heals when you are able to really forget.

you go on ahead (trumpet trumpet II)

Keyboard came very early. This is going to be...difficult.

It's good though, to have something to focus on.

paper lace / sunset rubdown

I heard you're suffering

Come be a wild thing

Come run with Jackie, me, and this Lady.

So I did end up getting the keyboard that I wanted. It's going to be here on March 14th.

I know it's early to say anything considering its not here yet but...I feel good about this.

lucky ones / lana del rey

Finally, you and me are the lucky ones this time.

Been listening to some music lately that has been making me think of my life and what I am and what I am not doing with it.

I don't really think I've been doing things in a way that makes me look back and say yes, yes this is what I wanted all along. I am trying to figure out how to change that. One thing I think I want to do is purchase a keyboard. 88 weighted keys with a stand that can fit in the corner of my room easily. I think learning that and giving an outlet for everything that I wish I had in me would be a good thing; a thing that could make me feel.

I don't know if this is necessarily some kind of "come back" into my blog. Because I mean really, I've had this thing for about 3 years now, a little more. I deleted all of my past blogs because I was attempting to reinvent myself. I guess you guys can judge how well I've done on that.

Don't really want to over-do anything either so I'm going to keep everything very short on here from now on.